710分如鱼得水记单词100幽默笑话四级词汇篇章记忆2.docx

710分如鱼得水记单词100幽默笑话四级词汇篇章记忆221.Do You Get Enough Sleep One of my classmates at commercial college was performing poorly in calss, and reported to the principal for advice.”Your marks are deplorable!”the principal scolded,”Is there a problem that has kept you from studies？” “No,sir,”the boy replied,”Ihave no idea what the problem is.I went to the different classroom according to our curriculum schedule,and Im never late to class.I dont even disturb others in class;moreover, I study the notes I take.but for some reason my tutors have a prejudice against me. “without doubt,you should be a good student,”the principal sat back and thought.then he asked,”do you get enough sleep” My classmate replied,”sir,do you mean in the dormitory or in class” 22 My Men Are Very Brave General McKenzie was in charge of the Federal Navy,and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall,who was in charge of the Army.McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks,so how are your men Veryu well drilled, general McKenzie. I hope so .you see,my men over at the Navy are so well trained,you could see theyre the bravest men all over the country. Well,my men are very brave,too. Id like to see that. So Marshall calls private Johnson and says,private Johnson!i want you to stop that hostile tank coming here with your body Are you crazy.itd kill men,you silly goose.im out of hereas private Johnson ran away,Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said: You see.you have to be pretty brave to talk kile that to a general. 23.The Big Baby Youll have to take care of the baby today,”a woman tokd her husband in a faint voice,Im not feeling well. Then you must stay in bed and rest,dear,her husband said, Ill be pleased to look after our baby, Thank you.ill have a quiet day and Ill soon get better,his wife told him. Shall I do the shopping for you as well.her husband asked. She was very pleased and said, that will help me very much. Ill give you a list of things to buy. She wrote out the list and gave it to him. You can get all thes things at the handy supermarket,she asid. The man took the list and found there are many items on it,including sugar,sauce, pepper,noodle, a loaf of bread and some sausages. The man took the baby to the supermarket and put him in the shopping cart. Then he pushed the shopping cart along the rows of things to buy and looked for those that were on his list. At first all was well,but when they passed the candy zone,the infant began to cry. Then he started to scream. And scream And SCREAM Keep calm,George,the man said, dont get excited.dont shout,George.dont lose your temper, George. A woman in the supermarket heard him saying these things.she walked up to him. I figure you are wonderful,she said.you are so patient with your little George. Madam,you misunderstood,the man said,Im George.Hes Edward. 24.How Much is the Whistle An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania at noon,when the luch whistle blows,two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building like a tide. Your workers, theyre escaping.cries the visitor.youve got to stop them. Dont worry,theyll be back,says the American.and indeed,at exactly one oclock the whistle blows again,and all the workers return from their break. Wonderful.the visitor clapped his hands. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says,well,now which of these machines would you like to order, the cranes or the combine harvesters Forget the machines, says the visitor sincerely,how much do you want for the preceding whistle. 25.The Cheater Donald was not very good at geometry. He thought geometry was too difficult for him and he could not understand the complicated definitions and fromuals. Even when the teacher explained something a second time, Donald still could not comprehend it. Never mind,Donald told himself,Im quite good at other subjects.ill cheat in the geometry exam,which will improve my grade. Ill sit next to the boy whose best at geometry,he thought,and copy down his answers. The day of the exam came,and Donald sat next to Brian Smith,who always was at the top of the class in geometry. Donald carefully copied Brians answers on to his own exam paper. At the end of the exam,the teacher collecte the papers and graded them. Then she said,well,boys and girls,Ive decided to give a prize to the student who got the highest grade.Frankly speaking,its difficult for me to decide whom to give the prize to,because two students,Donald and Brian,got the same grade. Let them share it,one of the other students said. Ive thought about a compromise,the teacher said,but Ive decided to give the prize to Brian. Donald was angry when he heard this. He stood up and said,I dont agree with that idea.thats not fair that Brian won the prize exclusively.I got the same grade sa him. Dont deceive yourself any longer,the teacher said, Brians answer to Question 18 was I dont know.whereas, yours was Neither do I.” 26.A Christian Horse Then there was the priest who decided to sell his hores.A prospective buyer was impressed with the animal,but the priest said,I must warn you-the horse is very religious.he only responds to church words.for instance,go is praise the lord,and stop is hallelujah. Ive worked with horses all my life,said the buyer, and Ive never heard of anything like this.having harnessed the horse, he mounted the horse and gave it a slap on its hip.but the horse didnt move a pace. He said skeptically,praise the lord.the horse began to trot. He repeated praise the lord and the horse broke into a gallop. suddenly the buyer saw a cliff dead ahead.filled with panic,he yelled hallelujah,and thy came to a stop a foot from the edge. Wiping the sweat from his brow by instinct, the exhausted buyersaid,praise the lord. 27.This Pit in the Ground There was once a farmer who lived in a suburb near a road. It was not a busy road,but from time to time, cars passed the farm. Near the farm access,there was a large pit in the road.this pit wsa always full of water,and the frivers of the vehicles could not see how deep the pit was.they assumed it was probably shallow. Then when they drove into the pit ,they could not drive out because it was so deep. The farmer did not spend much time working on his fertile patch. He spent most of it watching the pit. When a car drove into it,he would pull the car out with his tractor on his own initiative and charge the driver a lot of money ofr rescuing the car driver. One day, the driver of a van said to him,you are so helpful.you must earn a lot of money pulling cars out of this pit night and day. Oh,no,the farmer said,I dont pull cars out of the pit at night.at night I fill the pit with water. 28.An Easier Question One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to the court.a severe,no-nonsense professional,she sat down in the witness chair,unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. Will you state your name.asked the district attorney.tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer,but instead catapulted head0over-heels backward and landed in a stack of recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself,rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand.the glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk. Well,doctor,continued the district attorney without changing expression,we could start with an easier question. 29.No Curtains in the Bathroom Having been married ten years and still living in a small apartment,the wife would often complain about anything,as she was tired of accumulating every penny to buy a dream home. Trying to comfort her,the husband turned to a real estate agent and foud a new apartment,within their budget.after decorating he flat elaborately,the couple moved into it. However,after a fortnights time,she began complaining again.Joel,she said, I dont like this place at all.there are no curtains in the bathroom.the neighbors cansee me every time I showers. Dont fuss, replied her husband,if the neighbors do see you,theyll buy curtains. 30.Pain Transference An athlete and his wife went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.Upon their arrival,the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers labor pain to the father,which would relieve mothers pain partially.he asked if they were willing to try it out.they were both very much in favor of it.the doctor set the knob on the panel to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.but as the labor progressed,the husband felt fine,so he asked the doctor to go ahead.the doctor then adjusted the complex machine to 20 percent pain transfer.the husband was still feeling fine.the doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and took his temperature with thermometer and was amazed at how well he was doing.at this they decided to try for 50 percent.the husband continued to feel quite well.since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.ultimately,the wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home,a burglar was found unconscious in their corridor. 31.Who Signed A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students, Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independnce He said,Danmed if I know. She was a little put out by his swearing,so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day,the father came with his son,and sat in the back of the room to observe. She started on her quiz and finally got back to the boy.now ,Johnny,Illask you again.who signed the Declaration of Independence Well,hell,teacher,Johnny said,I told you I didnt know. On hearing their dialogue,the father jumped up in the back of the class ,pointed a stern finger at his son ,and abused him,saying, you wicked boy,if you signed that damn theing ,youd bette admit it 32.A Wise Old Man A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.he spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.the very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day,until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon,he walked out to meet the triangle as they banged their way down the street.stopping them ,he said,you kids are a lot of fun.i like to see you express your emotion like that .i used to do the same thing for recreation when I was your age.will you do me a favor.ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing. The kids were elated subsequently,they decided to do a bang-up job on the trash cans after school.a few days later,the witty retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.look he negotiated with them,I havent received my Social Security(Pension)cheque yet,so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents.will that be okay. A lousy quarter .the students provoked,if you think were going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter,youre muts .no way.Sir.We quit. And the old man enjoyed peace for the rest of his days. 33.Beware of the Dog Upon entering a little country grocer shop,a journalist noticed a sign reading,Danger.beware of the Dog .posted on the glass door.inside,he noticed a tender old dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of. Yes, thats him,he replied. The journalist couldnt help but be amused, that certainly doesnt look like a dangerous dog to me.why in the world would you post that sign. Because,the owner replied,before I posted that sign,people kept tripping over him. 34.What Is Your Favorit Pastime For his final project in a statistics class,a student decided to conduct a survey.so it wouldnt be a boring project,he chose to find out peoples favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people,so he started out his project visiting a fairly large brick building near the university. He knocked on the first door and a man answered. Sir,what is your name.asked the student. John. Sir,Im doing a school study and would like to know what your favorite pastime is. Watching bubbles in bath,came the reply. He liked the answer and continued to the next door, when he asked again. Sir, what is your name. Jeff Sir,would you please tell me your favorite pastime. Watching bubbles in bath,was the answer. Quite confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime watching bubbles in bath He left the building and walked across the street, where there were several row houses to continue the survey. At the first house ,he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door. Our surveyor starts again,what is your name. Bubbles 35.The First Date A boy is about to go on his first date,and is nervous about what to talk about.he asks his father for advice.the father replies,my son,generally speaking,thereare three ideal themes that always work.these are food ,family,and philosophy. The boy thinks about it.he picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice-cream sodas in front of them ,they gaze at each other for a long time,as the boys nervousness builds. He remembers his fathers advice,and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl,do you prefer chocolate chips or biscuits .she says Neither,and the silence returns. After a few more tedious minutes, the boy thinks of his fathers suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks awkwardly,do you have a brother .again,the girl says no and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card he thinks of his fathers advice and asks the girl the following question;if you had a brother,would he prefer chocolate chips or biscuits. 36.where are you from A man lay and extended his arms across three entire seats in the movie theatre. when the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man,sorry,sir,but youre only conceded to occupy one seat. The man groaned but didnt budge. The usher became impatient. Sir,if you dont arise from there Im going to have to call the manager. Again,the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the passage in search of his manager.in a few mome