《老爸老妈浪漫史 第一季 第1620集》英中字幕.doc

目 录第16集2第17集14第18集26第19集37第20集50第16集OLDER TED; Kids, when it comes to love,the best relationships are the onesthat just come naturally,My first solo batch.I think those need to stay in the ovenawhile longer.Here's a professional tip.If it's still runny, it's not a cupcake.- It's a beverage.- Yeah, well.Things with Victoria were fun, And easy,And uncomplicated,No, no.It was pretty great,Are you coloring in your butt?I have a big interview coming up.And my suit has holes in it.I can't sew. I don't own navy boxers.So, yeah, I'm coloring in my butt.- Just wear another one.- I don't have another one.I'm flat broke. My only other suit optionsare track or birthday.Dude, you show up to an interview in that,even the hippie lawyersfrom Granola Mountain Earth Palswill hacky-sack you straight out the door.Okay, it'sthe National Resource Defense Counciland it's my dream job.Except it's only an internshipand I won't be getting paid.Mostly getting people coffee.But the people I'm getting coffee for,their bosses are gonna save the world.Okay. Tomorrow. And I should mentionthis is gonna rock your world.Tomorrow, I'm taking youto my personal tailor.A tailor?Barney, I make negative $300 a weekand I need every negative penny of thatfor my wedding.Relax. My guy does everythingfor one-third the cost.And there is no way you're getting marriedin that sarcastic-quotation-marks "suit."Tomorrow. Noon. My tailor.No thanks, dude.- Noon?- Noon.- Okay.- See you then.Hey, girls.Hey, girls.- Hey.- Hey.Hey. I'm on my way to meet Ted.It's our two-month-iversary,so we're going out to dinner.Great. Well, that answersall the questions I didn't ask.Robin.Oh, come on. We bust on each other.We're just at that placein our strong friendship.Really?Get off me.Oh, see? I did it again.(LAUGHING)What are you guys up to? Dress shopping.You know, I make wedding cakesfor a lot of fancy bridal shops.If you want, I could take you shopping.Maybe get you a discount.- Really? That would be great.- VICTORIA: Yeah.(CELL PHONE RINGING)I should take this. Bye. Hello?Hey? I thought it was gonna bejust us tomorrow.What's with inviting Punky Brewster?Robin. You've gotta get overthis Ted and Victoria thing.You had your chance, and now he's movedon. Can't you just be happy for them?The best I can give youis a fake smile and dead eyes.- Sold.- Great.Victoria, what's wrong?I've just been offered a fellowshipat a culinary institute in Germany.- Wait. Germany, Europe?- It's for two years.I figured I didn't have much of a chance,'cause they don't let many Americans in,but I'm in.So, this is the Europe Germany?- Ted, what other Germany would it be?- The one in Epcot?- Ted.- Sorry.- Congratulations.- Thank you.I don't know if I'm gonna go.And, if you do,what does that mean for us?I don't know.I just. I don't think thatlong-distance really works for anyone.Oh, God, no. Long-distance is a lieteenagers tell each otherto get laid the summer before college.So that leaves us with.Either you stay here, or we break up.Wow.Look, let's just see how things progressand if, by September, we still.I have to leave on Monday.- Monday, September the.- Ted.Do you have any thoughts?Maybe we should each take some timeto think about what we want.We'll meet up tomorrow to discuss it.It's a date.OLDER TED; And that's whenthings got complicated,- Hey, baby. How's the dress place?- Well, everything's so fluffy and white.It's like shopping in a marshmallow.How's Barney's tailor?Everything here is dark and sketchy,and seems illegal.It's like shopping in Barney's mind.- Good luck, baby.- Bye.(BIRDS CHIRPING)Hey, Barney?I'm not sure about this.A tailor in the backroom of a pet store?Look, do you want a quality suitand a free rabbit or not?(SPEAKING UKRAINIAN)Ted, Sergei says stop moping around.You're distracting him from his process.You speak Ukrainian?(EX CLAIMS ADMITTEDLY)Guys. I'm kind of screwed here.I don't wanna lose Victoria,but I can't ask her to stay just for me.And long-distance definitelyisn't an option.No, no, no. No way.You know who likes long-distance?Girls. It's all talking and no sex.Kill me now.Hey, don't knocklong-distance relationships.I really think they can work.- Really? You?- BARNEY: Absolutely.I'm juggling four right now.There's Lisa in Madrid.There's Erica in Tokyo.There's Laura in Denmark.And Kelly on 34th Street.(SPEAKING WITH IRISH ACCENT)The lass thinksI'm a humble sheep shearer from Killarney.Ted, do you remember in college,when Lily did that summer art programin Paris?Yeah.Well, she kept talkingabout this cheesy French guy, Gabrielle.So, I went out to visitand there was this party.And who shows up but Gabrielle.And he's got this weak-ass,thin, French moustache.Yeah, I'm not much of a fighter, but I knewI could take this weird little dude.So, I took him aside,and I got all creepy quietand got the crazy eyes going. And I said,"You stay away from Lily.Or, I swear to God,"I'll eat that moustacheright off of your ugly French face."Yeah. No, he literally ran away.I think he was crying.I never told Lily about it.To be honest, I'm not very proud of it.To be even more honest, I am.Other than confirming a lot of Europeanstereotypes about Americans,- did that little story have a point?- Yeah.The point is,that even though Lily is my soul mate,long-distance still almost killed us.If you think that there's any chancethat Victoria's your soul mate,you should ask her to stay.Well, I don't know if she is.It's still too early. But, yeah, she could be.Oh, please. You barely know this girl.What's her favorite color?Is she a cat person, or a dog person?Is she open to a three-way?Ted, I do more research than thisbefore buying a cell phone.And, FYI, yes, I have three-way calling.Look, she can't be a cat person.I'm a dog person.I'm attracted to other dog people.- Are you sure?- All right.- Hello?- Hey, random question.- How do you feel about cats?- Cats. Hated the musical, love the animal.Good to know. Okay, goodbye.She's a cat person.I don't know this girl at all.- Oh, excellent. We'll take this one.- This one.Hey, hey. It's my suit.Shouldn't I be the one to choose?(LAUGHS)Here, play with this pincushion.God, I'm gonna look hot.Marshall, I can't let you wastea suit this nicefighting a losing battlefor our planet's survival.This is a suit for winners.I am getting you an interview at my office.We need good men like youin our legal department.We get sued. A lot.No way. The kid does not sell out.Oh, come on, dude.Three months working with me,you'll make morethan Lily makes in a year.No. I've made my decision.So have I. If I ask this girlto give up her dreams for me,and, two weeks later, it's not working out,I'm, like, the biggest jerk of all time.It's just too much pressureon a new relationship.I'm gonna tell her to go.OLDER TED; And so, I met her that nightto tell her my decision,All right, I've been thinkinga lot about this, and.Okay, wait. Before you say anything,I wanted to give you this.This is what happens when you,you know, let them finish baking.I want you to stay.Everything here is dark and sketchy,and seems illegal.It's like shopping in Barney's mind.- Good luck, baby.- Bye.Now, what sort of dressdid you have in mind, dear?Nothing too huge or poofy.I'm not really a girly girl.But I would like to looklike a beautiful princess.- I saw a couple up front that were nice.- By the window?No offense, dear, but those area little out of your price range.Where does she get off?She doesn't knowhow much money I make.These women are experts.They can guess your net annual incomejust by looking at your underwear.Damn you, Old Navyand your reasonably-priced three-packs.- Well, at least we get free champagne.- And cake.Speaking of which, Victoria,have you decided what to doabout your donut fellowship?You know, I don't know. I mean,I want to go, but I don't want to lose Ted.I even thought about long-distance,as if that ever works.All talking and no sex. Kill me now.I know it sounds lame, but I actually thinkthat Ted might be the one.- That's pretty hard to walk away from.- Well, I don't know.I'd feel a little Stepfordturning down a huge opportunityto chase some guyI'd only known two months.But this isn't just some guy. This is Ted.He's amazing.- He's the best guy I know.- Yeah, in America. But German guys?I would let them bread my schnitzelany day, if you know what I mean.- I really don't.- Sex.Excuse me, ma'am.This bastard's kicked. Thanks.(BOTH EX CLAIMING)That's okay, guys, I hate it.- Just horrible.- It's bad. It's really bad.Short in the front, long in the back.That is the mullet of wedding dresses.You know, Victoria,Marshall and I did long-distance once.In college, I did an art course in Paris.I was the only American there.I was really Ionely.I only had one friend. Gabrielle.And she was kind of homelyand strange-Iooking.And she was really self-consciousabout this little moustache she had.Anyway, halfway through the semester,she just stopped talking to me,and I never figured out why.And then I had nobody.The only thing that got me through wasknowing that my soul matewas back at home waiting for me.If Ted's your soul mate,then it may be worth it to hang on to him.But how am I supposed to knowif we're soul mates? It's too soon.(CELL PHONE RINGING)Speak of the devil.- Hello?- Hey, random question.- How do you feel about cats?- Cats. Hated the musical, love the animal.- A cat person. Why am I not surprised?- Stop it.Bye. Why does Ted want to knowif I like cats?Maybe he's gonna buy you one.I did hear barking in the background.Maybe he was in a pet store.Does he want us to get a cat together?Maybe he's using an adorable kittyto guilt you into staying.That is low.Do you really think that's what he's doing?Oh, I wouldn't even wait to find out.I would be on the next plane to Germany.(BOTH EX CLAIMING)Oh, God. You guys are sucky liars.- I don't know what to say.- Ugly, ugly, ugly.You know what?We're doing this all wrong.I'm gonna get you one of thosefront-window dresses. Just for fun.- Are you okay?- I'm fine.Okay. Just kind of seems like you're tryingto hustle Victoria out of the country.I'm not. I'm just trying to support her.She got a super-importantdessert scholarship.Stop being sarcastic.It is a super-importantdessert scholarship.Wow, that's hard to saywithout sounding sarcastic.Look, I know you're notVictoria's biggest fan,but she seems to make Ted happy.So think about that before you useyour miles to buy her a plane ticket.Somebody say beautiful princess?Oh, my gosh. It's perfect.Oh, this dress is totally gonna get me laidon my wedding night.- Look how happy she is.- Yeah.You know, I've always thought of myselfas one of those independent womenwho would never let any guymess with my career,and now I'm actually thinking about it.I feel guilty.Like it's un-feminist or something.- I know what you mean.- You do?Well, I'm always putting my careerahead of my relationshipsand, to be honest, there's a lotof Ionely nights in that job description.See, that's what I'm afraid of.Well, then, choosing Ted over your careerdoesn't make you un-feminist.Maybe it just meansthat you guys would be happy together.Robin, I think that you are the coolest.I'm so glad that we're friends.- Oh, no way, you are the coolest.- No. No, you are.Okay, I am.I'm gonna stay.(BOTH EX CLAIMING)I am so beautiful.Don't tell me how much it costs.Just snap my neck nowso I can die this pretty.Wow. You look incredible.Okay, okay. How much is it?On a scale of never to never ever.Never ever, ever, ever, ever times infinity.Well, it's okay.You know, what makes a bride beautifulis that she's just happyto be getting married.Oh, guys, I know, I look amazing,but the important thing isthat Marshall and I love each other, right?Yes, you're right.But, also, you just sat down in the cake.(GASPING)But you know what? It's gonna come out,because it's only chocolate and raspberry.Okay, come on. Get up.Let us see how bad it is.(DRESS RIPPING)(EX CLAIMS)- It was like this when I found it.- And how will you be paying for this?Credit cards.I wanted to give you this.This is what happens when you,you know, let them finish baking.I want you to stay.I have to go to Germany.- You're going?- Yes. I have to.- So that's what you decided?- Well, no.I mean, I actually came here tonightleaning towards staying,but when you just told me to stay,it made me realize that I have to go.- What is this, opposite day or something?- No.So it is?Ted, we've only been datingfor two months.I can't let you make this decision for me.I was totally gonna tell you to go,but then you gave me this cupcake,and it reminded me how great you are.Well, is there any chance thatyou would move to Germany with me?Well, that's just crazy.Okay.So it's fine for me to make sacrificesfor you, but for you, it's crazy.But you have a job here and a life.I'd have nothing there.- You'd have me.- We've only been dating two months.It's not fair.It's not fair that we have to break up.I hate this.So we're breaking up?I guess so.I guess so.God, that sucks, man. I'm so sorry.God, that sucks, man. I'm so sorry.It was just too much pressure too soon.I mean, maybe it was silly to even think.Yes, Marshall, I see your new suitand it's awesome.Well, thank you for acknowledging it.It's weird that you hadn't.Look, I understand that you guyshad to break up eventually,- but why today?- She's leaving tomorrow.Yeah, but she's still in town.- Yeah, she's still in town.- Yeah.So you spendone more amazing day together.Ted, think about it this way,if you knew that you were gonnalose your leg tomorrow,would you sit on the couchand cry about it,or would you run and jumpand do some awesome air kickswhile you still could?Awesome air kicks, huh?- New pajama bottoms?- You know it.So, we can sit around and cry,or we can run and do awesome air kicksbefore our leg gets chopped off.- Wait, so we're sharing the leg?- No, the leg is a metaphor.How could the leg be well enoughto do awesome air kicks one dayand yet still so sickit needs to be chopped off the next?-